The Diaper Files

I have always enjoyed the Simpsons on tv. I stumbled across this video that mocked the cartoon intro and did the REAL Simpsons. Check it out, it's good for a laugh!

We had the pleasure of listening to our three year old go on a dinner time rant. I was glad that it was in our home as he was becoming ever so vocal about his fork. To say the least, listening to Tanner’s pronunciation of the word fork, over and over again, is not a scene we would have been too proud of in a public restaurant. “FORK! FORK! Look at my FORK!” If you are wondering why the big deal, try saying fork to yourself with a very soft o and without sounding the r.
Nuff said.
We also had the pleasure this week of attending our daughter’s spring concert for school. It was a packed house at the Arden as the grade two and four classes took to the stage to sing their various renditions.
It became ever so apparent that it is definitely time for me to get some eye glasses as I was taking video of the wrong kid for about five minutes. After much squinting in the dark, on zoom as far as it would go, I realized “Hey, that’s not Mackenzie!” Way to go dad!

Our sweet little puppy Georgia, who I now like to refer to as 5am (that’s what time she starts yelping each morning) has learned a new trick.
The old saying and movie title White men can’t jump apparently does not apply to 6 week old cocker spaniels.
When we are out of the house, we put up a baby gate to block off the hallway and that is where she resides when not under the attentive supervision of our three kids.
We came home the other day to discover that with the gate still firmly in place; Georgia was roaming freely around the house chewing on everything in site. As I put her back and hid so she could not see me, I discovered our one foot tall puppy has about a three foot vertical.
It would now seem that 5am’s barking is going to be (and sound) a lot closer than it has ever been before.

Last Friday was a very green one indeed. St. Patrick’s Day was abound and everyone was in the spirit. I had one extremely green (and loud) Irish tie, courtesy of my Irish father-in-law. Speaking of my Irish father-in-law, he was reminiscing last week about the best ten years of his life. I listened intently and then exclaimed “Tell me more…tell me more about grade three!”
My father-in-law used to be in Ireland’s Navy. He was stationed aboard a submarine until the day that it sank. Apparently someone had knocked on their hatch. But enough about my dear wife’s dad.
The kids were excited about St. Patty’s day and mommy jumped right in. Prior to the morning chaos, mom slipped downstairs to the kitchen and with food colouring in hand, proceeded to turn all of the milk in our fridge green. It took no further convincing for our three kids that a leprechaun had indeed been to our house.

A penny saved is a penny earned. We have stolen a page out of the Nanny 911 show and have implemented the marble jars in our house. Each week, all three of our kids start off with five small marbles and one large marble in their jar. Every time the kids do something good like helping out mom, cleaning up, etc. they get a marble added. On the opposite side, a marble is removed for any bad behavior. At the end of the week, the marbles are tallied. The small marbles are worth a quarter each and a large marble (for being really good!) is worth a loonie. It’s trended to be about a five dollar haul each week.
I must admit, it has some glorious moments. After two requests of get your shoes and jacket on, I immediately go to the “that’s it, you’re all losing a marble!” Fifteen seconds later, my three little ones are all lined up at the front door, dressed and ready to go.
Tanner is even kind enough to yell out when Parker is in trouble “take his big marble daddy!”

We watched the movie last week Yours, Mine and Ours starring Dennis Quaid. It was a story about a couple marrying and combining their two families for a grand total of 18 kids. Wow! That would be ok with me as long as I had a home based business that required some kind of assembly line.
Coincidence or not, the next day my wife started quizzing me about us having our fourth child. Once I was done laughing, I asked her “Are you serious?”
The look on her face told me she was.
I love our three kids dearly but when thoughts enter of having more, the first thing that comes to mind is; I do not have an assembly line in my house nor do I think I will in the future. With two strapping young lads getting bigger each day, I believe that our lawn mowing and snow removal requirements will be well taken care of in the future.
Our heavy labour needs seem to be under control, meaning we do not require a larger work force. Of course it would be fun having more kids, not to mention another endless source of items for this column, but I can see daylight! I haven’t had to change a diaper in a couple of years and to be honest; I’ve loved every minute of it!
But to be fair and to get all of your input on this matter, I have decided to take a poll. I will drive around St. Albert this evening between 1:00 and 2:00 am. If you feel we should have a fourth child, please leave all of your lights on in your house. If you feel that three is the perfect number and we should hold at that, please turn off all of the lights in your house. I will do a very accurate count and then we shall let democracy decide our fate!

Is there a supermom in your house? I’m sure there are many of you out there. Ones like my wife. How do you qualify to be a supermom? Well let me tell you.
You have two boys who are only a year and a half apart in age. Essentially, they are the same size as each other and their clothes only vary by the slightest of size. Like their pants only being about a half inch in difference of length.
Un-superdad cannot tell the difference and when putting away clothes in the boys closets, will mistakenly put the wrong pants in the wrong closet as he lacks supermom skills that can tell the two apart.
Supermom thinks un-superdad is a super idiot for lacking the skills necessary to place the proper pants in the proper closets.
As we have ascertained that all boy clothing in our house will fit all of our boys, regardless who it is, I have to say that I am not too super-concerned.

The gullible innocence of kids is sometimes just too good to pass up on. I was up early and heading off to work last week when I decided to help get the morning chaos off to a better start. Nothing major, but one less thing for mom to do when trying to get the kids off to school.
I set out all the cereal bowls, spoons and cereal.
A call from my wife later in the day revealed that the kids now figured there was a cereal fairy in our house. Yes, I can hear you all now, my fairy title has returned. They were amazed as they came into the kitchen to see that the table had been mysteriously set for breakfast.
So every few days I’ve taken it upon myself to perpetuate this myth. I even went so far as to print off a very mini to do list that was mistakenly left behind.
Friday Fairy To Do List
- Wake up, brush fairy hair and teeth
- Go to Mackenzie, Parker and Tanner’s house to put out cereal.
- Go to the Tooth fairy’s house for lunch and visit
- Visit the Keebler’s tree for cookies
- Don’t forget my fairy to do list anywhere

Printed on a 2”x 2” piece of paper and left on the breakfast table, this helped seal the deal and confirm that we absolutely had a cereal fairy coming to our house.
It’s great fun doing things like this and they’re great memory makers. My entire family still reminisces about “George”. A character my grandfather Jim had dreamed up out at the lake cabin. George would visit every time the grand kids were out at the lake and would hide boxes of smarties for all the kids to find.
My only mistake so far was not coming up with a bold name like George and letting the fairy theme continue.

As we sat down for dinner the other day, the kids were being great little helpers. They had helped set the table and bring the food in from the kitchen.
Mackenzie took the lead and said we should say grace.
She asked her little brother Parker if he would like to say grace.
“Sure!” was his reply. “On your marks….get set….GO!!” he exclaimed.
“No Parker, no!” Mackenzie shot back. “Grace, not race!”

Parker had his first tooth fairy appearance this week. Mommy used her patented “Hey look at that!” distraction move and yanked out his really loose tooth.
My wife likes to add some special touches (on top of the yank) to moments like these. The kids write a note and leave a glass of water for the late night visit. To make the visit that more magical, the “tooth fairy” mysteriously turns the water blue after her visit.
This makes for a great surprise for the kids in the morning. But smiling mommy’s proud moment came to a quick end when Parker came running from his room with a glass full of blue dyed water in hand, and proceeded to spill it all over our carpet.

It pays to advertise as the old saying goes. I couldn’t agree more as that is a big part of the business that I am in.
We were out for a bit of a family shopping trip last week when I saw first hand how good advertising can actually work.
As we waited in the checkout line, I noticed that the store had a huge decal of a hotdog on the floor of their store. It was obviously meant to entice shoppers for a tasty treat after their shopping experience.
My wife and I were chatting when out of the corner of my eye, I see my little guy Tanner (age 3) down on all fours licking the hotdog decal on the floor.
Feeling fits of laughter and embarrassment all at once, we hoisted him back up to his feet, turned to the crowd behind us and gave them the best “yes, we do feed him” look that we could.
Yes, the advertising did work! We took Tanner for the real hot dog deal to wash down that dirt special he had as an appetizer.

It’s a Canadian right. Every kid should have a hockey rink in their backyard. Unfortunately, it’s usually up to us “lack-of-building-talent” dads to build them one.
My kids have gotten big enough to now justify the attempt at building a sheet of ice. Now I don’t want to fool you all into believing that I was out there with lumber, nails, plastic in hand and built it from scratch.
It was more like a microwave popcorn approach. I received a couple of those rinks in a plastic bag for Christmas so it was time to just stick in the hose and give it a whirl.
Lesson one was quickly learned as I realized I should not have started filling the bag (10’ x 20’) on the low side of the yard. As I stood there holding the end up for over an hour so the water didn’t come spilling out, I cursed under my breath for the self-tutoring I was providing myself.
When it came time to fill the second bag it proved to be much easier. 800 square feet was soon set in place.
Now I know that some folks out there are of the opinion that the rink is going to kill all of the grass in my yard. I prefer the glass is half-full approach which means there will be 800 square feet less of grass for me to cut this summer.
I’ll update everyone in a couple of weeks as to whether my build was successful or not. I’m sure everyone will end up blaming me for saying this but this warm weather is not helping my new rink at all.

‘Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
My three kids were vibrating
Including the pet mouse

They had been waiting all year
For this special time to come
They couldn’t wait any longer
Their brains had gone numb

They ate lots of chocolate
To ensure energy was high
Mom and Dad tried to hide it
As it could not avoid their eye

As they giggled and laughed
Falling asleep was a fight
We kept telling them and telling them
It’s time for bed, now goodnight!

Santa brought them lots of gifts
Our kids screamed in joy at the site
We gathered as a family
And hugged each other tight

There is that special day when your baby first talks and the precious moment when they take their first steps. Those are the times when you just cherish being a parent.
Then inevitably, comes that unforgettable time when your five year old boy announces that he can burp the alphabet and then proceeds to do so.
Excuse me while I take a moment and wipe away my tears of pride.
He actually only makes it to b or c before he starts faking it. I’m quite confident by the time he gets into University, he will have practiced enough to proudly end his assault on the party goers ears with a burp-a-licious zed (or zee if he is attending college in the U.S.)

As the snow starts to cover the landscape, we approach that special time of year. With only 37 days until Christmas, parents around the world unite and pull out that favourite catch phrase “Santa’s watching!”
Granted, it can lose its luster when you use it more than a dozen times in a day but it does manage to stop them in their temper-tantrum tracks once in a while.
I take amusement in the moments when my kids use it on their siblings as well. We have successfully turned it into a family saying.
Parker, our five year old, brought out his own saying this past week. He was on the receiving end of some stern parental advice when he shouted at his mother “Someone needs some Christmas spirit!”
I quickly excused myself to another room to allow my tears of laughter to flow unobserved.
Keeping with the sayings theme, my littlest guy Tanner has an unusual one he uses with regularity. The kids like to wrestle with me and we always have a fun time doing it (until one of us hurts ourselves). When I have the kids pinned, they’ll start to yell until I let them up for some more wrestling action.
Not Tanner, when I have him pinned down, he yells “Honk, Honk!” I cannot for the life of me figure out where he came up with that one and my wife cannot either.
So the next time your boss has you pinned in the corner looking for that report you were supposed to have done, give it a try. “Honk Honk!”

Our bathroom defies basic physics. Every morning and every night, my three little goobers gather around the bathroom sink for the brushing of the teeth. I have watched with amazement their inability to spit out the toothpaste. You can draw a perfect vertical line from their mouth to the drain and they will still manage to spit their toothpaste all over the mirror, the sides of the sink and on the counters.
Maybe those baby blue bathroom fixtures from the sixties and seventies should make a comeback. The makers of those fixtures were obviously pioneers in the means of hiding the errant toothpaste spits.

We like to play a fun game at our house. It’s called “Who cannot say anything for the longest time” game. I believe four minutes and twenty eight seconds is the record so far.
My wife was over at her parent’s house when the kids were being a little more than rambunctious.
“Game On!”
The three of them sat at the kitchen table not saying a word. Silly grins on their faces as they stared each other down, wondering who was going to burst first.
Like a bolt of lightening, Mackenzie darted away from the table, down the stairs and out the front door. No one was quite sure what she was doing.
She was gone for about a minute and then returned just as quickly as she had left.
The contest carried on until the boys finally broke the game of silence (didn’t see that coming) and Mackenzie was the winner yet again.
Later, it was revealed that when Mackenzie left the house, she went out to the garage to see her papa. She tore into the garage and yelled out “Papa, we’re having a no-talking contest! Don’t tell anyone I was talking, OK?” Then back she went into the house to claim her title.
It brought a tear to her “always cheats at pictionary” mother’s eye.

My littlest guy Tanner has just started preschool a couple of mornings each week. He had a bit of a tough time with the concept of sharing the first day. Being the youngest in our house, he guards everything like it’s attached to him for he knows his brother will surely steal it from him.
On that first day he was playing with the train set that is set up on its own little table. Feeling this was his table, not to be shared, he took it upon himself to lie across the table when the other kids showed up to play. Good work son.
Speaking of sharing, we were having dinner one evening when my daughter Mackenzie announced that mommy was the queen, parker was the king, tanner was a prince and she was a princess. I asked her what I was and she said "you're the wee little fairy!"

Nice.

It has been back pack fashion week at our house. All three of our kids are gearing up for going back to school so they have all received new back packs for the new school year.
Up until the presenting of the back packs, my son Tanner (aged three) who is starting preschool this year, would scream “Noooooo!” at the slightest mention of him going to school. We now have to pry it off him as he proudly walks around the house all day with his new Incredibles back pack.
According to my wife and all of the moms here in the office school starts in two short weeks!

My son Tanner put on a good show for his love of peanut butter the other day. Spoon in hand, he annihilated a jar of peanut butter over the course of half an hour.
As a friendly note to the good folks who make peanut butter, I would suggest coming out with a container that is only about two inches deep and about twelve inches wide. Lots of spoon room so to say.
As he got to the bottom of the jar, Tanner had peanut butter coated up his entire arm and hands.
After the peanut butter debacle, we had to figure out what to do on a rainy afternoon? It was just me and the kids and they were bored, looking for trouble and getting in my hair.
“Let’s make a movie!” I yelled to the kids. I received looks of ‘what are you talking about.’
So after some explanation, the kids were all revved up and getting into their movie costumes. Parker was Spiderman, Tanner was Buzz Lightyear and Mackenzie dressed up as a Unicorn (my wife’s favorite mystical creature). Of course I was the bad guy, the evil Joker Daddy.
They ran around the house, jumped off couches, beat up Joker Daddy and even threw in the odd line (which I had to repeat for them a couple times on camera so they could remember).
We then threw it all on the computer, edited it together and had our first official movie, “The League of Lolly Superheroes”. Good times indeed.

We’re a few weeks into the summer and the kids are having a great time. According to my wife and a few of her mom friends there are exactly 37 days, 4 hours and 28 seconds left until school starts up again. Considering my wife is not much of a statistician, I found that to be an uncharacteristic, yet excellent time documentation on her part.
When school ended a few weeks back, my daughter came home from school with a book that she wrote all throughout her first year of grade one. It was about what they had learned through the year.
One line in the book, taken word for word was "We learn new things. We learn that the thing you don't do is stick your eraser up your nose." Ahh grade one! That is solid educational material you can use your entire life.
On another note: I’ve driven around that circle more times than I can remember in my lifetime and I have never had the thought that crossed Parker’s brain. Friday night, we were driving to the Eskimo football game (the ugliest win I’ve witnessed in some time) and we were going up St. Albert Trail. As we were coming around the traffic circle at 118th avenue, Parker said he thought it would be funny if we had a house right in the middle of the circle. I had to agree with the kid, it would be kind of like having a castle with metal alligators constantly swimming around the moat.

Have you seen the movie the Great Outdoors? It stars John Candy and Dan Aykroyd and is a good belly buster. There is a scene in the movie where a bat gets into their cabin. Through total chaos, the two try to catch the bat with a canoe paddle and a net.
Minus the canoe paddle, that scene from the Great Outdoors broke out in my house last week. In place of the bat were two small birds, finches I believe. My wife was heading out with the kids and when they opened the front door, in flew the two birds.
One frantic phone call from my wife and ten minutes later I arrived on the scene. Now picture me with one of those dollar store bamboo fishnets, my wife with a broom and all three of my kids with every stuffed animal they own (to throw at the birds of course) all huddled in our front room. A room that is vaulted by the way, which did not help out our cause at all.
After about fifteen minutes of the birds flying back and forth between our dining room and the light fixtures (up in the vaulted area) I finally caught one of the birds in my flimsy net. I didn’t really think I would actually catch one in the net, but there I was, bird flailing away in the net, the kids cheering at the top of their lungs and me running towards the open front door. Putting some lacrosse skills to work I flung the net out the front door and out came shooting the little bird and off he went!
One down and one to go. This guy wasn’t going easy though. After about another fifteen minutes of going back and forth, we finally tired him out. He landed on the couch for a breather and I was able to put the net over top of him. My wife scooped him up and out he went.
It was a fun family moment. One that I am sure we will never forget. At least we got them out ok and I didn’t take a canoe paddle to the face.

Soccer season is well under way and our family has had some busy nights. Just between our six and four year old, we have soccer four nights per week. Can’t wait until our third gets into the program!
It’s amazing how many kids are out each night enjoying the great game of soccer. Every field in the city is packed with the little ankle biters with huge smiles on their face.
This is Parker’s first year playing. He has mastered the art of the ‘big’ kick. It’s the running after the ball afterwards he has to work on. I would call him a true 360 degrees soccer player. Meaning, it doesn’t matter which direction he is facing, he unleashes the big kick, sits back and admires the distance it has gone.
He also had a good three game scoring streak going. All on his own net but it’s a start!
Watching four year olds run around in a pack chasing a soccer ball with huge smiles on their face is worth the price of admission every time.

Ever have that feeling you’re being stared at? I had that feeling last week when I was at Parker’s soccer game. It was snack time during the half and I was chatting with some people and I looked over to see all of the parents on the team staring at me and laughing. Coach Scott was kind enough to tell me that my four year old son announced to everyone that his freezy tasted like beer.
We’ve got the whole family down at the Eskimo game tonight as the Eskimos host their first preseason game. It should be a fun night as Mackenzie takes to the field at half time as one of the Eski-Mini cheerleaders and my wife is celebrates her 29th birthday (She turns 29 every year).

We had history on the mind and decided it would be a great day last week to take the kids to Fort Edmonton Park. Would have been better had they’d been open. If St. Albert had a fort, I bet it would have been open in early May! So there we were stuck. Not to ruin the trip, we headed over to the John Janzen Centre for a little nature viewing. Parker the nature lover would stop to admire the fallen logs, pick up the odd one and give it a toss into the forest. Mackenzie the nature lover admired the birds flying around and the beautiful songs they sang. Tanner, the three year old nature lover, STOMPED on every bug that moved for the entire walk. His career in entomology, the study of insects, could be short lived unless of course they need a professional stomper to prepare the bugs for viewing (albeit squished).

Our family had quite the fill of emergencies last week. As we were driving around Saturday night we all spotted huge looms of smoke filling the sky. The kids were very curious to see where the fire was, so off we went.
Yes, entertainment options are limited with three little ones.
As I’ve soon learned, smoke in the sky can be quite deceptive when it comes time to figure out exactly where it is located. Heading in the general direction, I figured it was in St. Albert or the North part of Edmonton. As we headed further south, it was evident that we were not the only ones going to check out the fire. It took almost 20 minutes to drive down 127th street.
We found a spot to park and walked the kids over to the eastern knoll overlooking 127th street. It was an amazing view of the unfortunate fire that had engulfed Supreme Plating.
There is nothing like seeing huge flames, smoke everywhere and firemen giving it their all to get the kids going. We were among a hundred people or so.
The memorable part of the evening was when, after I had been predicting for about ten minutes that the third building was going to come down and it did, the lovely young lady standing next to me who was not paying attention and chatting with others said “Oh, I missed it!” I won’t tell you who she is to protect her identity. (Rhymes with knife)
Our emergency themed weekend continued on Sunday. We had just finished brunch at Krickets (great breakfast!) and my daughter Mackenzie decided to do her parallel bars routine between two chairs. As her hands gave way, her face was promptly introduced to the hard solid floor. Ouch!
Knocking herself (and one front tooth) out in the process, we ventured on over to see the great folks at Sturgeon Hospital. I can’t tell you how impressed I was with the nursing staff and the doctor. They gave prompt and thorough attention the whole way through.
My wife was even fortunate enough to see some young strong firemen walk in the emergency room in their full gear. “Ooooh, firemen!” she said, trying to get a rise out of me.
As we both looked out into the hall where the firemen were standing, I jibed back “I wish they would get out of the way, they’re blocking my view of the nurses.”
I’m happy to report that Mackenzie is 100% now (less whatever percentage you would assign to one front tooth). The tooth fairy came for a visit, left some cash and a book and Mackenzie is all semi-toothless smiles again.
Her gymnastics future is still debatable.

Last year, we took Mackenzie to Paradise Pets to get her a birthday present. Having believed my wife had gotten through her bird phase, I was awakened to the fact that Mackenzie was indeed a bird lover as well.
So, an empty wallet later, we carted home a new love bird, cage and all the fixings.
A month or so later, on a bird check up visit to the Centre, Kim was speaking with the owner Daryl. Kim asked Daryl if he could tell Mackenzie (who was present) if her love bird (which she should have said was named Tinkerbelle) was a boy or a girl.
Daryl took a quick look in the box, and said “Oh, that is a boy for sure”. In a flash Mackenzie’s smile turned upside down as her beloved Tinkerbelle was revealed to be a boy. Kim frantically waved to Daryl from behind Mackenzie, mouthing the words NO, NO, NO.
Right on cue, Daryl took another look and said “hang on, my mistake; your bird is a girl”.
“I told you it was a girl” exclaimed Mackenzie as she looked up at mom.
Well, I’m proud to report that our “boy” has laid three eggs in the past week. It’s been quite the sideshow event at our house as Tinkerbelle has shown us some interesting dance moves lately. She’s also been in full nest making mode as she shreds anything we put in the cage.
Every morning the kids run to the cage to see if Tinkerbelle has left another surprise.
Boy oh boy!

My youngest son Tanner turned the mighty age of three this week. So I thought I would devote the diaper files to him.
“Chocolate milk…warmed up!!” he yells about thirty two times in a row EACH AND EVERY morning at six am. This is how my day starts. My wife has mastered the art of ignoring his demands but I always cave after request number seventeen.
All of our family and friends affectionately refer to Tanner as the Doogaler. Or the Doogs. This was a creation of my wife who labeled him at a young age as the Doogaler of Doogal. Don’t even ask me what it means because I have no clue. It just became a fun name to say!
I’m fairly certain that he is going to be stuck with this nickname for the rest of his life. Almost like Jeff Bridges in the Big Lebowski, he will be known to everyone as “the dooooogs”.
My favorite trick of the Doogs is his shoe trick. I will lean over to help him put his shoes on. With his left shoe in my hand he will promptly raise his right foot. We both pause waiting for the other to adjust. Refusing to lower his right foot, I put down the left shoe and pick up the right shoe. Right on cue, he drops his right foot and raises his left foot. Arrrgggh! Without fail, this happens every time.

The tooth fairy will be making a visit to our house soon. Mackenzie has two loose teeth so it has been a hot topic for the last week.
We’ve been given the list of items her friends have received upon the departure of their teeth. Let’s just say it’s not the quarter I used to get when I was little (I’ll bet Don Sinclair only got a nickel).
I asked her the other night “What do you think the tooth fairy will bring you?”
“I hope it’s not money.” She said. “Money is boring. I just like to buy stuff shopping.” (a comment that brought a tear to her mother’s cheek)
So Mackenzie is on board with my wife in that she loves to buy stuff shopping. I just now need to get my wife on board with Mackenzie in that money is boring.

It was a tough week for my wife last week. We were cooking supper and all of a sudden the smoke alarm went off. It’s been doing that lately and my four year old son Parker finally decided he had it figured out.
“Dad, do you know why that beeper sound happens?” he asked.
I tried to explain that it was because of the smell of smoke and that is what it was for, to warn us.
He looked at me with a puzzled look about my explanation and then he said, “No, that sound let’s us know that mommy is cooking supper!”
Ouch!

We’ve discovered a new mini Alcatraz right inside our house. I may have used it earlier had I known about its existence.
On Tuesday, I received a frantic phone call from my wife informing me that my son Parker was locked in the shower. Turns out that my other son Tanner (soon to be the biggest handful in our lives with his devilish little ways) took the opportunity to open the shower door and then slam it as hard as he could.
The door actually went inside the track and was totally locked off. My wife tried everything she could think of but could not get the door open.
I sped back home to lend a hand. I had to laugh as I entered the bathroom, I looked down and there was Parker in all of his glory, face pressed against the glass at the bottom of the door. “Hi Dad!” he exclaimed.
He was in good spirits considering he had been in there for a good half an hour.
I was up for the task. It had been a while since I had used my Macgyver abilities.
So, better than a Clint Eastwood movie, I had Parker broken out of our mini Alcatraz inside of a minute.

The wife and I took the crew last weekend to the St.Albert Bowling Centre for a little family bowling entertainment. Kegler’s look out!
First up in the shot put event was Parker. Even with the kiddy bumper pads on each side of the lane, Parker managed to fire a few straight down the gutter.
Up next was Tanner. One thing I’ve learned when having a two year old bowling with you, is to not pay by the hour, but rather by the game. Elapsed time from each ball leaving his hands to ‘tapping’ one of the pins was about 38 seconds.
Mackenzie did a fine job, but took my cringing to a whole new level as she lobbed a few grenades into the lane next to us.
Thanks to the fine folks at St.Albert Bowling for turning a blind eye on those ones.
Tanner also managed to solve the age old mystery of what happens when you put a few bowling balls back
down the chute that they came rolling up from. Again, a big thank you to the fine folks at St.Albert Bowling who had the patience to come out a few times to remove the balls that were clogging the system.
Overall, it is one of the best activities to do as a family as even our youngest (2 years old) can participate.

I wanted to share with you one of those great, father and son experiences. I was out and about with Parker and we both needed to use the washroom. Good luck trying to convince a four year old to go by himself when he can enjoy the bonding experience of peeing in the toilet with dad at the same time.
Heck, I remember doing that with my dad when I was little.
He always has a smirk on his face when we are ‘bonding’ in this way. I would have a smile as well if he would stop trying to turn and talk to me and peeing all over my shoes!
It should get really interesting when Tanner passes the height requirement and is able to join our toilet bonding club. It would be like that famous Star Wars character. See Three Pee Oh!!

Wootball! Wootball! This is how Tanner summons me to play catch football with him. The kid has got a pretty good arm for a two year old and has already mastered the spiral toss. The trick to playing these games is satisfying the needs of all three of my kids at the same time. Mackenzie loves to draw, Parker loves to play Spider Man (fully decked out in his Spider Man costume) with me as the evil monster and Tanner always wants to play wootball. So in the spirit of spreading myself too thin, I try to do all of them at once. I will stand over Mackenzie as she is drawing, giving her some friendly advice while playing wootball with Tanner. That goes pretty well until Spider Man knee-caps me from behind and drops me to the floor. I let out a roar (as evil monsters do) and Spidey retreats to a safe haven for the moment. I get back up to offer some colouring choices for Mackenzie and a few more tosses back and forth with Tanner.
But all good things must come to an end. My ending being, while colouring a tree, Spidey distracts me with a bite to the ankle and then I was promptly hit with a wootball in the wag.

It was leaf raking time last weekend at our house and Mackenzie and Tanner joined me in the fun. It typically took three rounds of pile making before the kids stopped jumping in so that I could finally get the leaves in the bag.
But while doing that, I made quite the gruesome discovery. Not paying much attention, Mackenzie was going on about how cute it was that Tanner had some lady bugs on him. I continued to rake as Tanner yelled out “Lady!!” in his excitement. As I finally paused for a breather, I took a closer look at Tanner. It looked like his shirt was moving. I poo poo you not, he had no less than fifty lady bugs crawling on him. Music less, I quickly performed the heebie jeebie dance in the front yard and proceeded to roll Tanner around like the kid was on fire. My opinion of Ladybugs has been tainted forever. The leaf pile jumping entertainment quickly came to a close!

Not too long ago, I had promised Mackenzie and Parker that I would take them to West Edmonton Mall to go on the rides and such. Now if you are wondering what would be the best way to screw up an excursion like this, it would be to arrive at the mall and realize you have forgotten your wallet at home. I was in a bad spot because there was no way they were going to accept a “we have to go home because I have no money” story.
Should you ever find yourself in this predicament, here are some of the ways I made a bad situation acceptable.
Video games are an excellent source of deception. They are constantly playing the demo of the game which is quite easy to convince a six and four year old that they are actually playing. After faking putting in some loonies, I threw them up on the video motorcycle game and started swinging the motorcycles back and forth myself. I threw in some good motorcycle sounds for good measure.
Next, it was off to the Whack a Mole game. Now who needs the mole when the whacking device is totally at our disposal? Fake loonie deposit again, and start yelling there he is! In all of the excitement of trying to whack a mole, they lose sight of the fact that the mole is not actually popping up. “Whoa, you just missed him!” I would exclaim. They even fought over whose turn it was next.
The trick was to keep the momentum going. “WOW! Look at that roller coaster go! When you guys are bigger (and I have some money), I’ll take you on it.” I said with extreme excitement. “Should we watch the drop of doom again?!?” I asked. “Yah! Cool dad, let’s watch it again.” they would shout back.
As our fake of a fun day came to a close, I ended it with “Oh boy am I thirsty. WHO WANTS WATER?!?!?!”
Thankfully, without any money exchanging hands (literally) they bought what I was selling and we had a great day. Kids are the best.

So we were driving along the other day, in the van that still has an air of our road trip in it, when I was cut off by another car. “Nice move you moron!” I voiced out loud. My six year old daughter Mackenzie questioned from the back, “Daddy, what’s a moron?” “It’s someone who isn’t very smart.” I replied. She thought about it for a little while and then offered “Well that must mean that Tanner is a moron.” Trying to keep a straight face, as she was while making this statement, I told her that we would try to refrain from labeling her two year old little brother with that tag in the future.
In the past few weeks, I’ve learned a few things about arguing with a four year old. Parker has taken it upon himself to not accept any original offer. He’ll make for a good negotiator. I’ve learned that if all we have in the fridge is milk, do not make milk the lead offer. “Do you want some juice?” I will ask. “No, I want milk!” the negotiator will reply. Milk it is. I illustrated this point quite well the other night when it was getting close to bed time. “Parker! You’re going to stay up all night and watch TV.” I told him. “No I’m not!” he firmly replied. “Yes you are!” “No I’m not!” The conversation ended with me telling him “Fine, you can go to bed then!” And off he went.

From the mouths of babes come some beauties once in a while. Case in point. I was down at Northlands with my kids enjoying the day. Some friendly old fellow passes by, sees the kids and comes on over to give his nickels worth (I’m sure it was a penny in his day). “Hey kids, spending the day with dad?” he grinned.
Well, nice enough man, but to say he had some bad teeth would be the understatement of the year. My daughter looked up at him and quickly exclaimed, “You’re teeth are yellow!” Yikes! Before I could cut her off, and in his failed attempt to distract her to another topic, she then informed him, “I brush my teeth.” Yikes again! As I was telling her that that was enough, her brother chimed in, “I brush my teeth too.” I was caught in the middle of a “I brush my teeth” storm, staring at this bewildered old man. I was speechless. With an apologetic look, I gave him a “you asked” shrug and ushered the kids away.
At least my two year old didn’t get in on the teeth debate, because he probably would have bit the old guy like he does everyone else.

Speaking of the Olympics, we have a mini event each week at our house. The toilet paper roll pull. Mackenzie has passed the age requirements for this event leaving Parker and Tanner as our top competitors. The record thus far is held by Parker who has pulled the toilet paper roll into the family room, through the kitchen, through the dining room and into the living room. I’m sure he would have made it further had his brother not taken it upon himself to “Rip the roll”. Stiff competition.
It’s a fun time had by the boys leaving mom and dad with the unwelcome job of the “Re-Roll”. You know the one if you’ve ever had kids. A toilet paper roll that is about five times its normal size.

Crazy thing that alphabet. It makes for a good song and my kids love singing it.
I think at any one time we have all been a little guilty of not knowing the words to our favorite tune. Does that stop us from mumbling right along anyways? Not a chance. Training for this skill (or lack of) begins at a very early age.
My four year old is the perfect case. He’s good for an alphabet rendition once or twice a day. My favorite part comes at the L M N O P portion of the song.
His comes out … J K L N N N N P… It’s good for a laugh and I don’t have the heart (or the patience) right now to try and correct him on his M’s.
His counting is quite amusing as well. Nine, ten, eleven, e-twelve, e-thirteen, e-fourteen…
Speaking of imperfect speech, what’s with those Teletubbies? They can’t go away soon enough if you ask me. I’ve been a very fortunate soul, in that the kids only grasped on to that goofy show for a month or so and then it was on to some good ol’ Scooby Doo and SpongeBob. I’ve had friends tell me that after constant watching of the ‘Tubbies”, their kid’s speech dropped to an all time low. Go figure. Not one word mumbled in that show is understandable. Here’s hoping it gets banned to the VHS shelves and barred from ever making DVD’s.

Holy diapers Batman! It’s a comment heard quite frequently in my household. Diapers have been a part of our family’s life for almost six years now. Why you ask? I am the proud father of a six year old little girl and two little guys, aged four and two. My wife and I have been changing diapers every day since 1998. Not a bad streak if I do say so myself.
I laugh now about our first born. We went through no less than 30 diapers a day in the early days. The smallest of a whimper, the slightest waft of “bad” air, and we would change her.
Onto child number three, and a change is determined by our weight approximation of his diaper. “Yup, that looks to be about an eight pounder, time for a change.” No, it’s not quite that bad, but you get the picture.
My quick math tells me that in the past six years, my wife and I have changed roughly 13,140 diapers. That’s six a day (average over two years), times 2 years, times 3 kids. If we averaged three minutes per change, that would equate to over 650 hours of changing diapers. That’s over 27 days! Could you imagine almost four weeks solid of un-Velcro, un-Velcro, legs up, wipe, cream, new diaper, legs down, Velcro, Velcro….NEXT! Un-Velcro, un-Velcro, legs up and so on….for four weeks.
Thinking about all of those diapers, I am pretty proud of myself. As a very involved dad, I am quite confident I changed no less than 500 of those 13,140 diapers. Now, now, I know what you’re saying. My poor wife had to change 12,640 of them. Well let me tell you that those were 500 of the nastiest diapers our house saw during those six years.
“Daddy, your baby has something to show youuuuuuu!”, is how I was usually beckoned. It was times like those that having a year long cold weighed heavily in my favor.
But, I now see light at the end of the tunnel. We are creeping ever so close to having that diaper free home. I will love it, my wife will love it and the garbage man will love it (especially in the winter, not having to hoist bags full of rock frozen diapers).
The way I look at it, it could have been worse. The average time to change my kids could have been five minutes each. That would have meant over 45 days of changing diapers during the past six years. Whew!